“Who the frig is that sitting in your back garden?” Jonny Baker asked me. “No idea mate, it looks like Margie Clarke and Barbara Cartland are havin a brew with me dad, lets have a butchers”
It was the morning of our holiday to Benidorm and after a visit to QS Discounts for some soon to be redundant Durex we arrived back home to find Ste ‘Bombhead’ Doyle and Ian ‘Steptoe’ Walsh had returned from a trip to the hairdressers. It was 1995 when Gazza was causing a storm with his peroxide blonde look, Walshy decided to emulate him and had a bright white barnet that made him look like an albino matchstick and Ste looked like a Rhino with a Peggy Mitchell wig on.
“Alright ladies, love the haircuts very stylish” I said, Ste looked very pleased with himself “cheers lad, Janice the hairdresser said it makes me look very masculine” he proudly remarked. “Jam Jar Janice? She’s blind as a bloody bat her. She told me I’ll be bald by the time I’m 28 so I wouldn’t listen to her” I replied.
"Hunters got a perm and he's well hard"
“Well I like it and that’s all that counts, right I’ve got to go the gym and work on me pecs then pick up some hair lacquer. Me dads picking Walshy up at 4 and we’ll get here just after ok?”
4.45pm Ste eventually turns up “where’ve you been soft lad, check ins at 5” I said “I had to go back for me passport didn’t I” “you tithead” I said “ay it’s not my fault, me mum didn’t leave it on me bed like I told her to” “ha ha, did you ask her to put it on top of your little sailor suit so you didn’t forget it? Ha ha”.
“Shut up and get in baldy” he snapped “what, I’m not going bald…shut up” I said having a sly look at my reflection in the window. We arrive at the airport and this time we manage to avoid a security alert and get safely through to the departure lounge. We have a quick look around the shops and after buying a massive toblerone, a plastic tube of miniature dime bars and a tie we board the plane and we’re on our way.
"I'm not going bald, I've just got very fine hair"
12pm local time and we arrive at the Hotel Flamingo II, A 35 story salmonella ridden shithole that was guarded by 2 massive security guards that wouldn’t have looked out of place chasing Arnie in The Running Man. I hate heights so luckily for me we were on the 29th floor. “This place is a fuckin dump” I said “I can’t believe they’ve made 2 of them, they should have learnt from the Jaws films and just left it at the one” I complain.
"I just hope we're not too high up..............Oh for fucks sake"
We get in the room and decide whose sleeping where, by that I mean Ste shoved us out the way, burst through the door and put his suitcase on the biggest bed. He then locked the bedroom door while he filled the wardrobe with all of the clothes his mum had packed for him. “Ok lads, come in and have a look at what I’ve got for you”. Walshy looked worried “He better not be bollocko in there, I’m a bit worried about him with that bloody perm. Walshy likes the easy pink not the tight brown Walshy does”
We nervously open the door and pop our heads around the corner, thankfully Ste isn’t bollocko but he’s unpacked about 200 quids worth of Piz Buin sun cream. “Where the hell have you got all this from lad” I asked “I slipped one of the security lads at the warehouse a few quid to turn a blind eye and stuck em in me boot”
"I'll keep an eye on the door while you load the car" "nice one, keep the other one on me"
“How many blind eyes did he have, it must have taken a few trips to get this lot in yer car” I asked “I don’t know mate, but my brown eye was twitchin like fuck at the time. Right let’s get on it” We head out for first night out in Blackpool in the sun.
5am and we stumble back to the Flamingo II which was not only a cesspit it was also on the top of a big bastard hill which a lazy fat bastard like me didn’t appreciate. We get back to the room and decide to carry on with the party spirit and get the ghetto blaster out. JB being an Evertonian sticks ELO’s ‘Mr Blue Sky’ on at full volume while simultaneously twatting a pan on Walshys head with a metal ladle.
Ste bursts into the living room “have some of this you fuckers” he’s opened up 3 bottles of Piz Buin, he stuffs ones in his pocket and sprays the other two all over us. “Right ball bag” Jonny says as he runs into the room and grabs as many bottles as he can. A full scale factor 8 with skin darkening enrichments riot breaks out in the room, Jonny proves men can actually multi-task by covering my Beautiful South t-shirt with suncream and smacking the pan which was now on my head with the ladle.
BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!
There is a loud knock on the door “Shit, turn the music off” I shout “If we keep still I reckon they’ll go away”. “It might be some women looking for some Walshy lovin, I’m letting them in” Walshy walks to the door and looks through the peephole. “OPEN THE FACKIN DOOR EEDIOTS” a very deep menacing voice shouts.
"keeep dee noise down you peegs....eez that a perm?"
“Fuckin hell, it’s the law” Walshy says as he bolts through the room and out onto the balcony. “OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT FACKIN NOW” he shouts again. “Ok,Ok I’m coming I shout back” I say calling the lads into the room “right, JB and Walshy you get in the living room and keep quiet Ste you jump in the bog and come out as if nothings happened in 2 minutes. I’ll handle this”
The lads follow my instructions and I compose myself to open the door “here goes nothing” I open the door and am confronted by the two massive mental looking security guards. “What the hell is going on in this fackin room, guests complain about music and shouting” the one who can speak asks “oh nothing, sorry about the music I didn’t realise it was that loud” I reply whilst following through.
“So what was all the screaming, you fight?” Mental Manuel asks “Oh no, that was me I get a bit excited after a days travelling and I was just unloading. I guess I got a bit carried away”
Ste comes walking out of the toilet in just his boxers after putting his sun cream soaked jeans in the sink to clean them. He winks at the guards “Oh hi lads, sorry about the mess, he covered me from head to toe in his cream and I unloaded one in me pocket”
"Hello boys!! ooh look at the muck in 'ere"
The guards look at Ste’s hair dripping with cream and look confusingly at each other, “What’s going on in here” they point into the living room and walk in to find Jonny whose holding the massive bar of Toblerone at crotch height and standing over Walshy whose wiping sun cream off himself with a towel.
“Oh hi lads, what a night Ste had about 10 litres to shift and started off by splashing it on me” Walshy explains. ” Do you want a piece of this” Jonny aks pointing at the massive Toblerone sticking from his nether regions.
“You dirty bastardo English pigs make me sick” the two massive lunatics shout as they storm out of the room.
“What did they mean by that?” Ste asks me “No idea mate” I replied “but from the way they were looking at your perm I reckon they might be gay”.
Walshy and Jonny before the dawn raid